So to further support my thesis I added another paragraph that contains a quote.
New Paragraph: Another aspect that Haas and Hahns could add to their mission is to bring awareness. If they’re already getting media attention, why not bring more? While Haas and Hahn are trying to make these communities beautiful, they’re playing right into the EA’s stereotype that “artists paint beautiful landscapes while the rest of the world burns.” Instead of painting these abstract and very colorful patterns, Haas and Hahn can paint murals depicting the conflict the community is dealing with. This way, it’s documenting history while at the same time bringing awareness to people around the world with what is going on. I think that even with this idea it will bring the communities pride because they can grow from that point and hopefully get better.
The only thing I had trouble with is finding the page this quote was located on to add the citation. I wanted to add this quote but the only way I thought I could effectively add was by adding another paragraph.
Then the two quotes that I modified are:
The inhabitants and the people that helped with the project were thrilled because “they [media] talked about them as artists and not as criminals…” to these people that was a game-changer because they’re writing about them as people.
I added the [media] so the reader would know what I was talking about. The I rephrased the frame by combining two different sentence together.
Second Quote
While on the trip with the group, he imagined the speech from Steven Soderbergh’s 2001 Oscar acceptance speech, the most impactful part, “I think this world would be unlivable without art.”
Edited: In his essay, “Is Art a Waste of Time,” Southan mentally recites a quote from Steven Soderbergh’s 2001 Oscar acceptance speech, the most moving part of it being, “… without art this world would be unliveable.” (Southan 435).
This one I changed the framework of the sentence leading up to the quote and added citations. I thought that the second version flows better in the paragraph and makes more sense to the reader.
Great work editing for clarity. I want you to return to that first sentence in that first paragraph: “Another aspect that Haas and Hahns could add to their mission is to bring awareness. ”
I’m not quite sure what you mean. Do you mean that Haas and Hahns should work harder to spread awareness about their mission in the favelas? Or are you saying that H & H’s paintings work to raise awareness about the community’s worth?
3/3